L is Dead!
by Zwip
Summary: Just as planned, but for whom? Chapter 11: “I must say, I’m greatly offended that you underestimated me so grossly.”
1. L IS DEAD!

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, Yagami Souichirou, L**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** Hehehe.  
**In A Nutshell:** "I've won, L."  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

L was dead.

It was simple yet complex, trapping but freedom incarnate, and _damn_ did it feel good.

Light, in a truly stunning display of maudlin sadness, stooped his shoulders and trudged to the morgue where his late enemy's body was now resting. His father patted him on the back, a soothing, supportive gesture that the genius teen could not see as anything but obnoxious.

"Hey Dad?" He said, his voice quavering. "Could you let me go in alone, first? L-that is, Ryuzaki- and I… I mean. I can't believe he's…" Light let his voice trail off, bringing up his hands to his face and covering his eyes with them to continue with the charade of a tearful, traumatized friend.

"Of course, son." The weary older man gave him another pat on the back and stepped back, allowing Light into the dim, cold room alone.

The silky-haired teen, upon seeing L's cold, pale, and magnificently lifeless body lying under a white sheet, was almost unable to contain his glee. He dropped down on one knee, placing his mouth to the deceased detective's ear.

"I've won, L," He whispered, "From the beginning I'd known I would, known that you were no great obstacle for the great Yagami Light, first Kira and now, with you out of the way, nothing short of the world's greatest detective! Thanks for the title, former L, because now I have the entire world further into the palm of my hand." He grabbed L's icy hand through the sheet to emphasize his point. "It's only a matter of time before I can reveal who I truly am to my people, who will finally be able to accept me as their new god."

Light could swear he heard a snort, but he assumed it was either a figment of his imagination or some freakish post-mortem breathing phenomenon as a result of L's dying gasp.

"So, L," He stood, stretching, "Goodbye." He slouched again, rubbed his eyes to redden them, spit on his shirt to imitate some tears, and headed for the door.

A frigid, utterly _dead_ weight on his shoulder stopped him.

"Did you really think you were leaving so early?" Grumbled a voice he assumed came from the owner of the hand. "Please, Yagami-kun, indulge me a bit more in your victory gloating."

Light whipped around, hoping such a quick action would wake him from any nightmare he might be in the throes of, leaving him sweating and panting but beautifully safe in bed.

No such luck, because there was L, one hand outstretched and the other holding the sheet over his body like a modest virgin.

"You're not standing there," Light reasoned perfectly, "because you're dead. Because I had Rem kill you."

"How droll, Yagami-kun, to think that death could keep me from solving the Kira case. Your attempt to kill pure justice was a failure and now, so are you." The corpse advanced on his absolutely petrified prey. "Would you like to know how a god dies?" Light looked forward at the nightmare that was taking yet another step closer.

L was directly in front of him, exhaling freezing air that smelled like dead leaves.

"Before I tell you that, though, I've always wanted to do this." L took one more step forward and kicked him, hard.

Light, in a quite dignified manner, fell unconscious immediately.

* * *

Last time I tried to write a chaptered story for Death Note, it died. I didn't have a plot and wrote myself into a corner and got bored with it something terrible, unfortunately. I don't have so many wild cards to pull from my sleeves as I should.

This time, I did everything the way it should be done (i.e. the opposite of last time) and I'm nearly done now.

Enjoy!


	2. L IS NOT!

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, Yagami Souichirou, L**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** Nothing terrible.  
**In A Nutshell:** "You're not a vampire. I refuse to believe it."  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

L, never one to be particularly interested in people that he couldn't battle properly, kicked Light into waking.

"Oh god," Light groaned, "I thought you'd eaten my soul." He peered up at the cadaver, who was in turn peering down at him.

"Sorry, Yagami-kun, I do not obtain nourishment from souls." The troubled teen stood up carefully.

"Right, you only get nourishment from sweets."

"Wrong again."

"I knew you were sneaking normal meals between all of that cake."

"Once more, Yagami-kun, incorrect."

"Well then, what _do_ you eat? Er, that is, what _did_ you eat?"

"Eat? You mean… drink?" L grinned, and Light did not remember teeth ever looking quite so pointy. "That would be… blood." He pressed his freezing lips to the younger genius' neck, said younger genius immediately back-pedalling as far as possible, hitting the door far sooner than he'd have liked.

"You're not a vampire. I refuse to believe it."

"Oh _seriously_, Yagami-kun. You've been using a homicidal notebook accompanied by a frightening shinigami stalker for how long now?" L advanced once more, backing Light up to the door even further. "Do you need me to prove it to you?" He grazed Light's skin with his sharp fangs. "You smell so good I could just… eat you up." He huffed.

Then Souichirou burst in and the nightmare was over.

Or so Light thought.

* * *

And so the true nature of L is revealed.

But don't worry, there's far more fun to come.


	3. About That, Son

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, Yagami Souichirou, L**, **Matsuda Touta**, **Aizawa Shuichi**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** Not as planned-ness.  
**In A Nutshell:** "I was ADOPTED?!"  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

"What the hell are you doing to him?!" Souichirou threw L to the ground and checked Light's neck for marks. "You're never supposed to bite anyone, what were you thinking?" He turned to his son and asked, "Are you okay?" Light nodded shakily.

"… Hey, wait a second, you know about L being a vampire?"

"…Yes, I did."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because… I'm a vampire, too. We need to protect our existence." Light sat on the floor and contemplated the feeling that the entire world was crashing down on him and his life was a lie.

"Why am I not a vampire, then?" He finally managed to think.

"Because… well, I didn't want to tell you this, but… you're adopted."

"…WHAT?!"

"I'm sorry for keeping it from you for so long…"

"I was ADOPTED?!"

"One would think that as Japan's top student he might have guessed." L looked at Light, grinning.

"Why would I have guessed that?!" The teen figured that he could afford a few actual irrational reactions in his lifetime, this being one.

"Yagami-kun, you look nothing like any of the other members of your family whatsoever."

"Like. At all." Matsuda added helpfully.

"Does that mean… Sayu?" Light couldn't believe it.

"… Yes, son." Souichirou bowed his head. "She's a vampire as well." The adopted adolescent plopped down on the floor, staring into the air blankly for a few seconds before breaking into hysterical laughter.

"Next you're going to tell me Matsuda's a vampire, too."

"Heh, about that…" The idiot in question giggled nervously.

"It's impossible for Matsuda to have evaded capture by vampire hunters for all this time! I absolutely will not believe it!"

"Hey wait a sec-" Matsuda was fuming.

"Vampire hunters?" L smirked again, baring the fangs Light would rather not know he had. "No one would hunt one of us. Unless, of course, we went rogue."

"As a matter of fact, that's our job." Aizawa emerged from the shadows. "The NPA is a front for our highly suspicious task, in order to maintain the peace with oblivious humans like you."

L nodded. "I'm sure you have several questions, all of which I will attempt to answer in the next sentence. Sunlight is not a problem for our health, nor do we sparkle in it, of course we drink blood, yes we have unsaid powers as trump cards, yes we can change form, and yes you smell so good it's becoming very difficult to resist you." Souichirou threw him a reproachful look.

"Do you have telepathy?" Light knew that if the answer was yes, he was well done for.

"Actually, yes, I do. It's the reasoning behind my unwavering suspicion of you despite an utter lack of evidence, not to mention my world-renowned investigative prowess."

"… You're going to kill me now, right?"

L blinked. "Why?"

Light frowned. "I'm Kira."

"Hah! A confession! That's all we've needed all along!"

"Stop playing with me, damn it!"

"Yagami Light, I would never dream of killing you."

"…Eh?"

"I've had my eyes on you ever since Yagami-san placed you into the schooling system, showcasing your superiority over all other humans."

"That's… so creepy."

"When you became Kira, I finally had a way to ensnare you and test your true intelligence. Might I say, you've passed marvellously. Why, you even managed to managed to 'kill' me. I truly applaud and admire your talents of manipulation! You could even thoroughly play a shinigami like an instrument, it's absolutely phenomenal!"

"… I refuse to believe this was all some sick sort of test."

"Sick? Says the killer of thousands? You're the pot calling the kettle black."

"…You let me kill all of those people…"

"Really, what reason have you got to complain?"

"Not exposing the definite truth because of personal feelings… That's such an obstruction of justice…"

"Aren't _you_ justice?"

"It's… against the laws, the rules, and the codes of human nature."

"Yagami-kun, I'm not human, have you forgotten so quickly? And whenever the rules don't suit you, you change them, correct?"

"You're… an asshole."

"Incorrect, I am a carbon-based, un-life form."

"So what are you going to do with me now?"

"I thought that was obvious." He scratched his feet on one another. "I'm going to keep you."

At that, Light made a very, very unhappy face.

* * *

I've always known deep down that Light was adopted.


	4. This Sucks

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, L, Ryuk**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** I don't even know why I have this section, it's more fun to see shocked reactions than warn people.  
**In A Nutshell:** "Hyuk hyuk hyuk. No can do. I promised him, after all, that I'd be the one to kill him."  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

"I'm not your maid." Light frowned.

"Yes you are." L frowned equally.

"No, I'm not."

"Unless you'd like to be executed, yes, you are. You really are too confident, Yagami-kun." The eccentric investigator rummaged in his jeans and extracted a tape recorder, snapping down the "Play" button.

"_I've won, L,_" the device from hell rattled off devotedly. "_From the beginning I'd known I would._"

"Oh _me_," Light muttered, "Death then, please."

L pouted. "No."

"You offered."

"An offer is retractable."

"That's not fair."

"Yagami-kun, I've been told that life is not, in fact, fair, which is a thing I believe to be easily deducted from an observation of the surrounding world. However, I would also like to remind you that of things to worry about, I am much farther up the priority list than life, as I have transcended life itself."

"… Cocky bastard." Light picked up the empty food tray and relocated it to the kitchen.

"Ah, yes, Yagami-kun makes an excellent maid. Now if only I could procure some sort of maid outfit…"

The self-proclaimed not-maid shot him a death glare.

"Perhaps that look of yours is a tad higher on that list of worrisome things than even I."

"So, if you're really supposed to be hunting dangerous vampires, why is it you took on the Kira case?"

"I only take cases I'm interested in, and as far as Yagami-kun goes, I am _very_ interested."

Light frowned.

"I daresay you might ruin that beautiful face of yours if you insist on contorting it like that."

The exasperated teen reverted to picking up food particles in lieu of answering.

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk." Accompanied by a beating pair of wings, Light knew these sounds only meant one thing: not good.

"Hey Light." Ryuk hung in the air above his face. "I heard you got caught. Stuff like that gets around pretty quickly. I guess with you in jail things would get boring pretty fast." The shinigami chuckled again. "You know what this means, don't you?"

Unfortunately, Light had an awfully good idea.

As expected, Ryuk got out his notebook.

"I suppose there's no bartering with you, then?" L looked up at the shinigami from his chair.

"You're not supposed to be able to see him." The endangered ex-killer pointed out helpfully.

"Your logic still tells you I shouldn't even exist, so I'll ask you to refrain from making statements of what should and should not be for the moment, especially considering that you are currently in the latter category."

"Hyuk hyuk hyuk. No can do. I promised him, after all, that I'd be the one to kill him." He put his pen to the page.

"I apologize, but if that is so then I'm afraid I'll have to counteract_._" And with one swift manoeuvre he leapt from his chair, dipped Light low and sunk his fangs into the soft flesh of his neck.


	5. REBIRTH

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, L**, **Ryuk, Touta Matsuda**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** Oddity.  
**In A Nutshell:** This went just as planned."  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

As much as Light hated to admit it, being bitten was undeniably sexy, an unpleasantly effective combination of life, sensuality, and imminent death that had his blood boiling. It was humiliating because he _liked_ it, liked being leached off of by that pathetic mooch L. And holy shit, he was going to be a vampire, what the hell?

After the detective removed his fangs, he dropped the dazed teen and stood up, crookedly as usual. "Please allow me to lend my apologies to the both of you. Ryuk, I know of your shinigami code as well as your general need to kill him in order to lengthen your lifespan, but I have need for his skills for a much greater purpose. Yagami-kun," he peered at the now-vampire who lay spread-eagle on the floor, "I wished for you to maintain a normal human life as long as possible. This was truly not my intention."

"… You lying bastard," Light managed to croak out.

"… I must give credit for your reasoning abilities as it's due. This went just as planned."

"… I thought I had that copyrighted."

"I thought I _owned_ you, in every way possible."

"…Touché."

Matsuda burst onto the scene, eyes quickly darting from the slack-jawed Ryuk to the blood-coated geniuses and piecing together what had occurred.

"Wow Light, you're one of us now, that's so great!" The red-stained unfortunate in question stared at him, scowling. "L, does this mean we get to give him a cool, new vampire name?"

No response.

"Awwww maaan, I can't kill him now," Ryuk lamented.

"Wait a second… you knew the whole time that I couldn't kill L, didn't you?" Light turned his unhappy face on the death god floating just above him.

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk, you're right about that one, Light. From when he first admitted to being L, things got a lot more interesting."

"No wonder you were always such a cheery bastard."

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk, humans may be fun, but humans trying to kill vampires with a Death Note? _That's_ entertainment."

"Now that I've got eternity, I'll be skulking in the shadows, preparing my revenge. You just wait, I'll get you someday for this."

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk. Oh man, what a riot! I'll be waiting for you, then." Ryuk phased out of a wall and out of Light's life. Er, death. That is, un-death.

"You know, I might actually miss him."

"You're lying." L offered him a hand up.

"Well, yeah, he was a pain in the ass. He did help me once, though."

"With the cameras."

"Yeah, with the- hey wait, how'd you know about that?"

"How do you think I was able to get you before he did? If he can see what I truly am, then surely I should be able to see him for who he truly is."

"My life has been a lie."

"… A sufficient amount of it has been for you to make that statement, yes. Now will you stop brooding and get off the floor?"

Ignoring L's hand, Light sprung to his feet. Undead as he was, he couldn't remember feeling more physically fit in his life. Perhaps this vampire gig wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Say, Yagami-kun, would you like to go hunting?" The eccentric genius grinned.

"Alright," the former Kira answered. He sure as hell was hungry. Or thirsty. What_ever_.

* * *

Please allow me to lend _my_ apologies to anyone interested in this story, I had to go on an unexpected trip and was unable to update the past week.

I am fairly certain I will be posting regularly from now until the end of this story.


	6. VAMPIRE HUNTING

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, L**, **Mikami Teru, Takada Kiyomi**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** Oddity.  
**In A Nutshell:** She woke up in the arms of a handsome man, finding herself hungry on the most primal level. Quite naturally, she mistook it for something like love.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

"You know, " Light hissed into L's ear, undeniably irritated, "this wasn't what I thought you offered."

"Shouldn't you have examined said offer more closely, then?"

"Well, I'd assumed-"

"Ah, Yagami-kun, it has been said by many highly-esteemed individuals that when you assume, you make an ass out of you and-"

"Quiet, he's coming." They observed their target crawl out of the gutter. He'd been hiding in it for the past few days, according to the testimony of several trustworthy-looking homeless people, and now scuttled across the street and hid in an alley, drawing away from the light of the street lamp.

"He is likely a new, accidentally-created vampire with no mentor to guide him. In a best-case scenario, we will be able to escort him to a facility where he may be rehabilitated and then released to cohabitate with society in a nonviolent, non-predatory manner. Well, nearly non-predatory, there are always the lawyers. However, if he is too far over the edge of being feral and makes an attempt to kill us, the likelihood is that we will be forced to eliminate him."

"Do you realize how much time you waste on talking? You need to learn to summarize."

"Yagami-kun, it has also been said that if you are important, people will wait. I am important and can therefore afford to make you wai-"

"L, I think he's got someo-"

A woman's unintelligible shrieks erupted from the darkness.

L and Light scrambled out of the bushes and into the alley where their rogue vampire was feasting on the blood of the victim, unlikely to be his first, but definitely his last if they could stop him.

"Mikami Teru." The suspect dropped the woman, who Light was gentlemanly enough to catch. "Please, come with us. It is not an impossibility to coexist peacefully with humans. Please recall that you yourself were once human before being robbed of your blood and mortality. We can help you, if you allow us to."

Mikami hissed and lunged at L, who caught him in the stomach with a hearty kick.

"Tsk. I hadn't even mentioned anything about doing things the difficult way eith-" Mikami pounced at L again, who kicked him in the chest this time. "My apologies, but that's the third time I've been interrupted this evening and it's beginning to really grate on my nerves."

"Can't you just knock him out? Can you even do that to vampires?" Light piped up from the sidewalk where he'd dragged the bleeding, unconscious woman.

"Why, of course you can."

"How?" Mikami was getting up again, wheezing from L's last blow.

"Like this." A foot pounded against the side of his head sent the now-unconscious vampire sprawling across the ground. L grinned. "I'll haul him into the car. Thankfully he wasn't too powerful, I believe he'll be manageable."

"That's good. And the woman?"

"We'll take her to the institute with him. She's likely to be far more salvageable as she was just turned."

"Alright." Light carried the woman to the car, bridal-style. She woke up in the arms of a handsome man, finding herself hungry on the most primal level. Quite naturally, she mistook it for something like love. "Hello," Light said, seeing her eyes open. "My name is Yagami Light. It's nice to meet you." He plastered on a fake grin that she found nothing short of enamoring.

"Takada… Takada Kiyomi…" She whispered, though she was sure she'd met him before, blood gushing out of the wounds on her neck with each word.

Light winced, his shirt was going to be completely ruined. "Well, Takada-san, I advise you to go back to sleep." He slid her into the back seat of L's car and rejoiced in the fact that at least the expensive leather seats as well as the woman's suit would be ruined as well.

Takada, sensing danger but deciding that a kidnapping by such a strapping man wouldn't be so bad, obediently passed out.

"So," Light said, trying to distract L while he was driving and maybe even get him to wreck his nice, shiny car, "how would you say that went?"

"Just as planned, Yagami-kun." L smirked.

"You're never allowed to use that again. Ever."

"But it's so catchy!"

* * *

This was a fun chapter. I'm far better at visualizing action than writing it out, which is something I personally want to improve.


	7. NEARLY MELLOW

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, L, Mello, Near**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** A little language on Mello's part.  
**In A Nutshell:** "You guys aren't named properly at all."  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

On a rainy, highly unpleasant day, L introduced Light to his young cohorts and future successors, Near and Mello. Light typically liked rainy days, so it is likely that his chagrin was derived from the arrival of the two young geniuses, who had forced him to shuffle around the luggage they'd brought for their visit, unpack it, and put it away neatly in their shared wardrobe.

"Can I get you two anything?" Watari asked as Light collapsed on a chair, exhausted from busywork. The boy called Near shook his head and the boy called Mello asked for chocolate.

"You know," the housework-addled teen remarked from his lounging position, "I can't help but feel that you two have made a ridiculous attempt to be polar opposites."

"Pardon," droned Near in a way that showed he cared for nothing other than his puzzle.

"Like hell I'd try to be his polar opposite! I don't care what he does! At all!" Mello huffed far too defensively.

"Hn." The boy who appeared to be riddled with premature aging also seemed to be riddled with severe apathy towards the actions of his counterpart.

Or anything else that breathed, really.

"Well, SCREW YOU, PUZZLE BOY! SORRY WE'RE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME!"

Near just shook the pieces of his puzzle out of the frame and began working at it again. Watari returned with several chocolate bars on a silver tray, which Mello gobbled up voraciously.

"You'll get fat if you eat that much chocolate," Light pointed out helpfully.

"Oh fuck you, you fucking fuck." The chocolate destroyer punctuated this with another bite, making the appearance-and-moderation-oriented teen feel ill.

"You guys aren't named properly at all. Taking English translations, Near is supposed to mean 'close, not far from.' But you seem fairly distant and detached," Light mused.

Near jabbed another piece into his puzzle. "I believe that if you were to attach to me some sort of device which was able to meter precisely how much I cared about your less-than-enlightening statement, I believe it would register somewhere below zero."

"And you, Mello, are far from mellow, being prone to emotional outbursts and general pissiness."

"Thanks for the psychological profile, now go die somewhere, would you?" He snapped another chunk off his chocolate bar.

"Aren't they just darling?" L trudged into the room, the movement as graceful as possible for his Neanderthal posture.

"Hello, L," Near said, glancing up from his puzzle for the first time, if only briefly.

"L!" Mello rushed to him, dropping his candy on the way and nearly knocking the poor detective over with a flying hug.

"It's good to see you, too, Mello."

"We rushed over as soon as we heard you were 'killed.' So the Kira case is over, then?"

"Yes, it is. A downright shame, too, for surely my tête-à-têtes with Yagami-kun will be nowhere near as fascinating now that we are no longer mortal enemies." Light sneered at him, dragging his exhausted body to his own room for a mid-day nap.

* * *

This was a fun chapter. Don't worry, the plot will pick up in the next one.


	8. NABBED

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, L, Mello, Near, Yagami Souichirou**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** Extreme improbability.  
**In A Nutshell:** "We can argue about what to call you, who's _really_ older, what color blue the sky is, whatever the hell you want, or we can get to the world's greatest detective before he's killed."  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

Light was awoken at midnight by the frantic shouting of his father.

"Light! Light, you need to wake up! This is really bad."

"Nnn, what's it?" Came the sleep-muddled response.

"L's been kidnapped."

"Haaahaha, good one, I'm just going to go back to sleep now, wake me up later."

"Son, I'm entirely serious!" Light opened one of his eyes to stare at his adoptive father speculatively.

"Nice try, but that's totally impossible."

"I'm not-"

"Nobody would want L for sex or anything. Go 'way."

"We believe it was politically motivated."

"Suuuuure. And how is it he was captured?"

"He was going to buy doughnuts and hasn't come back."

"He's probably just taking his sweet-ass time getting back here."

"We received a ransom transmission moments ago." The older Yagami pressed the play button on the television.

"Hello," began a heavily-modified voice. "I have taken your leader, known as Ryuzaki or L, hostage. He's currently unconscious; here's a shot if you wanna see." The screen showed a knocked-out L tied to a chair and slouched over, switching back to black quickly. "I have one simple request of you: release Yagami Light and this man will not be harmed. If you do not follow my orders, you know what will happen." The recording ended abruptly, leaving Light to sit in awkward silence.

"… Why? Why L? This makes no sense." The teen scratched himself confusedly.

"Au contraire, Yagami-kun. It makes perfect sense." Near was standing in the doorway.

"Heh, to us, at least." Mello joined him, taking a large bite from his chocolate bar.

"You're not allowed to use 'kun' with me," Light pointed out, "I'm older than you."

"We can argue about what to call you, who's _really_ older, what color blue the sky is, whatever the hell you want, or we can get to the world's greatest detective before he's killed." Mello snapped into the sweet again.

"… Fine." Light jumped out of bed, prepared to find L.

* * *

The idea of L being kidnapped really amused me.


	9. SERIOUS BUSINESS

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, Mello, Near, Yagami Souichirou**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** None.  
**In A Nutshell:** "…You're sending me on a potentially fatal mission with Matsuda as my only aide?"  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

"As soon as we got the message-" Mello began

"Approximately fifteen minutes ago," Near interjected.

"We began compiling data into this chart." The blonde clicked on the mouse and brought up an excessively complicated-looking graph that didn't even include any sort of key.

"At first, we'd assumed that the kidnapping was politically motivated after taking into consideration the miniscule amount of people and organizations L has conferred with on a personal level. However, with the factor of the unusual ransom mentioned, said unusual ransom being you, we were able to eliminate nearly all but one possibility."

"Who is it?" Light had been hoping that some government desired to reap his genius for their own, but at this rate it was more likely that it was some insane stalker type.

"Think of all of the people who could possibly feel angry towards L for your extremely homoerotic interactions with him." The white-haired boy twisted one of his platinum strands, grinning.

"Hold on a second, I'm not ga-"

"Seriously? You guys were handcuffed together for how long?" Mello scrutinized him, munching on yet more chocolate.

"That was to prove my innocence!"

"There's nothing innocent about it," the heirs to L's throne announced in unison.

"You two make the creepiest duo ever."

"Creepiness aside, we have already extracted all of the necessary data on the base of the kidnapper and devised a plan of action for infiltration, if necessary." Near pulled up a picture of an abandoned-looking warehouse on the screen along with its address.

"Our plan's pretty much perfect. Except we can't go with you." A hand gloved in leather tossed the wrapper of the quickly-devoured chocolate away.

"Why not?" Light didn't want to implement someone else's plan if someone else was refusing to come along for the ride. That usually meant it was exceptionally dangerous.

"Someone has to look out for our headquarters here. In fact, everyone except for Matsuda has to stay here," Souichirou explained.

"…You're sending me on a potentially fatal mission with Matsuda as my only aide?"

Mello and Near bowed their heads.

"…No way."


	10. There's Something About Misa

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, Touta Matsuda, L**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** A bizarre action scene which was parallel action in my head and translated oddly to the page.  
**In A Nutshell:** "Well, no, but considering that I live in Japan, known worldwide for elevated occurrences of mobile flying battle suits, I thought it best to always be prepared."  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

"Okay, Matsuda. It doesn't look like anyone's here, so I think we can just break in, get L, assuming that he's here, and get out." Light looked over at Matsuda to be sure he understood the plan, as simplistic as it was.

"I still can't believe she'd-"

"Hey, whether you believe it or not, we have to get in there and save Ryuzaki." He strode out of the bushes heroically, admired by the older man despite the twigs clinging to his coat. They trotted to the door of the warehouse, trying the handle first then resorting to brute force. Neither method having achieved success, Light sat down against the building, trying to piece together a way to reach one of the high windows he recalled from the photograph.

"H-hey. Light, you might want to move."

"I'll move, just let me-"

"No, buildings aren't supposed to _do_ that, you gotta move _now_." Matsuda pointed in horror to the edifice behind Light. The teen looked back to see his support wall shape-shifting with the other parts of the tin structure to create something that looked unpleasantly reminiscent of a gigantic mecha. He walked to his partner, nearly unfazed.

"I have seen far too many strange things in my lifetime up to this point to even be really bothered by that. Thankfully, I have got a plan for this."

"…There's no way you were expecting this."

"Well, no, but considering that I live in Japan, known worldwide for elevated occurrences of mobile flying battle suits, I thought it best to always be prepared."

"There's no such thing as a zone for-"

"Matsuda-san, we're going to be utilizing a most classic plan. You're the diversion, I'm the destruction." The giant robot had begun flashing its lights, and Light climbed onto its foot, shimmying his way up slowly.

"Wait! How am I supposed to distract it?" Matsuda was unnerved to say the least, coming to the realization that he was essentially going to be the bait.

"Just be yourself!" Light shot him a quick thumbs-up from halfway up the mechanical beast's lower leg.

"A-Alright. Hey, Misa-Misa! You should just give L- er, Ryuzaki- up now!" Quickly thinking up a way to enrage the model, he continued, "There's no way you'll be able to keep this up! Even if we gave you Light and you returned Ryuzaki to us, we'd still have to imprison you. But maybe if we could negotiate something you'd get a lighter jail sentence." Just as planned, the Misa-tron raised its gargantuan metal foot to come crashing down on the instigator, who scrambled out of the way just in time to avoid an untimely fate. Light, who was climbing at the joint of the knee, had to scurry upwards quickly to avoid his own figurative appointment with a shinigami.

"Hey Matsuda-san, can vampires be crushed to death?" He called down from the upper-thigh to the cop who was fleeing stomps of doom.

"I don't know, but now is not the time I want to find out!" Matsuda yelled, as the Misa-tron, realizing Light was steadily progressing up its leg, attempted to shake him off.

"Ryuzaki had better be grateful for the massive headache I'm going to have tomorrow thanks to this," he muttered, climbing on. "Hey, Matsuda-san! Not to be insubordinate, but do your damn job down there!"

"Sorry! Hey Misa-Misa! You won't look very good in a jail uniform! They're not form-fitting! They don't come in black either, you know! And you won't be able to wear cosmetics!" The robot lurched towards the diversion again, destruction scaling its swaying body with great difficulty despite being quite fit. Finally he reached the shoulders of the Goliath, nearly toppling over at standing up straight.

"Hey Misa! I'm almost in the head of this thing now!" He jumped up and down despite being winded. "I'm going to rip out all of your wires!" Just as planned, one of the huge hands came swooping at him.

"Don't hurt him, he's-"

"About to destroy your machine!" The hand was careening closer at top speed, about to make a ferocious, blood-splattering collision with Light.

So he jumped.

Hoping his new, sturdier body would survive the fall into what would most likely be an embarrassing but helpful catch in Matsuda's arms, Light free-fell with a feeling of undeniable accomplishment.

The Misa-tron, now missing a head thanks to its self-delivered death blow, staggered forward, then crashed unceremoniously, crumbling into a thick cloud of debris.

Matsuda, panicking about Light's fall and hoping to catch him, ran to where he thought the new vampire might be falling, this being more than slightly complicated with the rush of debris obscuring his vision.

The giant head of the late Misatron meteor-ed into a nearby intersection, causing millions in damage but mysteriously killing no innocent passers-by.

A loud, satisfying thump resounded in Matsuda's ears, soon registering in his mind as the thud of Yagami Light's body hitting his outstretched arms and taking away a small bit of the force of the fall on the teen. The older officer was so glad to have done something right that he dropped him in excitement.

As a thirty-car pileup clogged the intersection where the result of Misa-tron's decapitation lay, the now-exhausted and certainly bodily-injured Light and the ecstatic Matsuda rushed to the scene.

"It's going to suck running around all these cars!" The veteran vampire complained, turning to his companion to see that he was running along the tops of the vehicles. With no other reasonable options, he followed suit.

Light, absolutely full of adrenaline or whatever the hell vampires had in place of that, ripped off the top of the head to peer into the cockpit, falling inside with surprise.

"Hey! Hey, Light! Are you okay?!" Matsuda stumbled along, tripping onto the metal chunk the teen had fallen into. He looked inside to see him cradling L's limp, blood-drenched body. "Well… crap."

* * *

Ooh, a cliffhanger. The next chapter is the last.


	11. I Hate You Forever

**Fandom:** Death Note  
**Characters:** Yagami Light, L, Matsuda Touta, Amane Misa**  
****Warnings/Ratings:** Hehehe.  
**In A Nutshell:** "I must say, I'm greatly offended that you underestimated me so grossly."  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

Matsuda clambered into the cockpit, only mildly concerned about getting stains on his suit. "Is he… do you think… is he alright?"

"Does he _look_-"

"I'm fine, Yagami-kun. Thank you for your concern, Matsuda-san."

"You're alive?!" Light dropped the detective.

"As opposed to retribution for that, I think I'll take this opportunity to inform you that this is not my blood." As if on cue, Light and Matsuda looked over at the corner where Misa's body had tumbled.

"Is she… that is to say, did you…"

"I took my fate into my own hands as she was on the verge of clapping Yagami-kun to death. Distracted as she was by fury at your marvellous diversions," he looked at Light, ignoring Matsuda, "she did not observe that I had wriggled out of my bonds," he pointed at an alarming pile of heavy chains and padlocks, "and obtained a weapon." He nodded towards an extra chair. "Unfortunately, Yagami-kun's plan for halting Amane-san's rampage had worked too well, although I must say that I'm disappointed that he hadn't foreseen my actions."

"I thought you'd be incapacitated. You_ can_ knock out a vampire, right?"

"I must say, I'm greatly offended that you underestimated me so grossly."

Light just collapsed onto the floor with a sigh.

"That's not to say I'm not… grateful," the younger genius could swear L twitched here. "I am pleased that you came to my rescue so readily."

Too tired to vocalize his accusation of a falsehood, Light tried to use his eyes to no avail.

"Say… would either of you happen to know of any decent pastry shops around here?" L chewed on his thumbnail impatiently as Matsuda gave him directions and Light slipped farther towards unconsciousness.

"Please, Yagami-kun, accompany me."

"I dun hafta."

"Yes you do, it is a requirement that you follow me anywhere and everywhere I go."

"It is _not_." Light frowned.

"Yes, it is. Are you afraid of being considered less manly due to possible homoerotic connotations of our interactions?" The younger vampire stood up, resisting the urge to club his "master." "Is your masculinity in danger?"

"My masculinity is in no such danger!" Matsuda, somewhat afraid of being anywhere near a battle between the pair, sidled over to the corner where Misa lay, thinking about checking her vitals before realizing that his fingerprints being on her body could be problematic and settling for sitting down next to her instead.

"Then it won't be a problem." L countered.

"Psh." Light returned.

"I'm eighty percent positive."

"Fine, I'll follow you." He was feeling drained of all desire to argue. L smirked, pointy teeth glistening in the light of the ironically-timed rising sun behind them. "But just so you know, I'll hate you for as long as I live."

"I believe the word for that would be eternity, provided nobody kills you."

"Fine then, I'll hate you forever." L, being how he was, would not make this a particularly difficult task. The world's greatest detective and recently-rescued damsel-of-distress offered the teen a hand up, uncharacteristically. Light took the proffered appendage gingerly, bringing it to his mouth as it to kiss it.

Then he chomped down.

_Hard_.

Some things won't change, not in forever.

* * *

I got some really interesting predictions for what had happened inside the mecha, but I guess having written the story I hadn't thought of any of them.

Thank you for reading, and happy early one year anniversary of to me!


End file.
